this is the rational neurotic

Let’s not talk about how my hands are tingling again, or how my upper lip is burning for some reason, or even the general lousy feeling.

I am even try to forget the fact that my chest hurt in general when I was out with Monkey today, to the point of being distracted. Poor boy. My chest hurt when I was breathing, not even when I was coughing. I was feeling really lousy. I think the 1 hour of stifling my cough and trying to not wheeze did more damage then it seemed to, not that I can imagine why.

I’m just pissed off at the return of the breathing thing and a damned recurring pain in my left chest. And I can’t go to sleep like that because it’ll probably trigger my fear of not waking up in the last minutes before I manage to sleep. Not that not sleeping helps - it’s one big bloody cycle again.

shite. It’s all connected.

it’s 12.30am. I’m absolutely fucking good at making myself miserable. glad to know I haven’t lost my touch.

misery needs talent

I’ve finished washing my pantry. But for some reason there’s cat pee/shit smell lingering in the air. I’ve gone around inspecting crevices but I cannot find. I’m too tired to do anything. I desperately want a part time maid but it’s hard getting one without an agency. Anyways, this post serves as a notice: to everyone out there, my house is out-of-bounds. For mahjong, for gathering, for everything. Because you people keep complaining it’s smelly and dirty. Yes it is. I am not denying it. So please keep away from my house. Dinner parties are hosted at the bbq pit near the clubhouse, so it’s not counted, because it’s not in my house per se.

I’m fucking tired. Tired of everything single fucking thing. And all I wanted is a stupid little cuddle. Not that it’ll help. I have the tendency to shoot myself in my foot. He did offer to come over. I don’t like to ask people to do what they don’t want to do, that’s why. What you must understand is I don’t blame them for it. Why should I? There’s nothing to blame. I’m also going to stop whining because it doesn’t make any difference and it’s fucking irritated.

I haven’t gone for a meaningless midnight walk for a long time. Just me and the air and an empty head, not wanting to think of anything just for a while, and not feeling guilty.

I don’t know why I am so tired. I am staying home on a friday night waiting for a CD to arrive via FedEx, and had to decline drinks with an ex-client because of that. Mike also asked me out to MOS (being polite, I am sure) but while I do feel like drinking, I doubt I have enough patience to handle crowds (unless I go all out and crazy) tonight.

I haven’t eaten. I have 3 mini-sandwiches left over from the seminar but I don’t feel like eating, even though my tummy is protesting. I have to clean the house, I simply do, and I have to start cleaning the litter twice a day again because it’s simply the only way to keep the house clean.

I’m too tired to even wash my face and take out my contacts, but I just did anyway. I can feel the misery coming on, I don’t know why. The house is in a frantic mess (as with every weekend). I just want to hide in one corner, but I’ll probably spend the next 2 hours washing the bloody pantry (or tomorow) but that’s it. I’m too worn out to clean the house.

The thing about me is that although it’s easy, I refuse to spread the misery… not like it’ll lessen mine. I think I really am too tired… I’ve been getting deja vu way too often and it’s wrecking my nerves. I just hope I don’t get the fear back. Panic attacks are not funny.

Maybe I should just go out and drink myself silly. You know what? Maybe I’ll stay home and drink myself silly.

Another weird random shite post by the fucked up yours truly. What else would you expect from me?

…on you. On caring what you think. On wondering who’s better. On making myself mad and sad about you.

And I gain love, freedom and the time and energy to focus on the ones in front of me.

Hi, Friend.