look, you’re bleeding

For some reason, everytime I hear that familiar melody coming from his blog I am comforted. Perhaps knowing that his words always bring an understanding to me, my mind calms down. And when I’m calm… I think clearly. God speaks to me (I hope) and I manage to listen (I hope) a bit better. And when He speaks… it’s beautiful.

I do not need to prove anything. I do not need to disprove anything.

A friend asked me this morning if I had gone through a certain situation where one seems to be discriminated by another friend. I could feel her pain, but I also understood the other’s hesitation and irritation. I felt her pain – not just because I empathise, but because I have had lived through it before. Sometimes I wait. I wait for shite to come on me again, probably consequence of something I’ve done and not known. I am stupid that way. I really can’t help it. It’s like the girl that falls in love with only assholes and every minute is a replay from the previous.

The latter’s blunt knife fell on me just now, out of a simple point that I made innocently. Another friend who had “out of the blue” kenna this before had asked me if she accidentally invited it and I felt that it was a matter of opinion. Words had been used to insinuate the lack of the latter said friend but I shrugged it off. Hurt as it may, it is the internet and the internet is public. We all write blogs that are public. We cannot expect others to stop writing about us if we want the freedom to write about others too. I was mad when I read her blog, not so much as it was targetted, but more of being misunderstood. You would think that I’ve been used to being misunderstood already… but everytime it does hurt – because it comes from someone that you might hope is a friend. The latter said friend had mentioned that the offending party (to her) had once spoken meanly of me, but I don’t really care – just as long it does not impact me directly. People gossip. I’m alright with that.

But it did hurt this time. I grew angry. I started fashioning long angry retorts in my mind, wanting to push her back down, to ask her to eat her own semi self-righteous words… only that it’ll fuel more and I don’t want to deal with it.

Actually everyone talks. Even well-intentioned friends have said things that seriously hurt before. Some have mentioned stuff to others (or to me about others) that do not reflect well… but everyone rants, isn’t that? I even rant to my best friend about other friends. But rants are harmless, generally, isn’t it? So what’s the problem? Are thoughts more tactful not being mentioned? But if one does not communicate them but continue to pretend that they do not feel as such, does that not make us hypocrites?

The two issues I mentioned that happened here (with former mentioned friend and latter mentioned friend) with the erm, offending party (to them) – one was about being a friend, and being rejected as such only to see the offending party thanking other people profusely. It was like watching myself all over again. What I’ve learnt? Back off. Learn that not everyone can be friends. Chemistry counts. If they are mean to you, they are not worth the trouble. If they are not, but it just seems that friendship keeps getting disrupted, perhaps it’s just fate. There are times my close friends piss me off unendedly. And the same has happened vice versa. Just as Supanova.

So why is such a big deal? Perhaps because feelings have been hurt, and people don’t know it. What do we do?

I do not need to prove anything. I do not need to disprove anything.

Be yourself. Be myself. Know where you went wrong, learn, reflect, but be yourself. Improve, but do not wear a mask. Evolve, but remain true. Because, in the end… that’s what’s we have.

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