I don’t know how many friends read this blog, and how many of these are from my church. I never fancied myself a blogger that appealed to the masses, although a high hitcount from my nation’s blog readers would be a nice feather in the cap – you know that what you write is relevant to the “masses”.
So those that have been reading my blog regularly would know that I have GAD. The main concern is death, and what it brings. Friends have been tried to “talk me out of it”, and as well-meaning as they are, if I could have been talked out of it, it would have never happened in the first place. Don’t ask me how I got it – how does one get depression? how does one become bipolar or have Schizophrenia?
Because of this, I have stopped drinking (not that I was a great drinker in the first place), and tried very hard to stop drinking caffeinated drinks, which was not easy, because although I was not a huge fan of Kopi, I like the occasional Starbucks Latte, and I love drinking soft drinks.
I recall once, not long ago, I had a recurring pain on my lower right abs. Of course, the immediate fear was appendicitis.. (I also had a recurring pain on my left chest, which brought more fear, which I do not wish to delibrate) Every doctor I saw for a while (around 4, I reckon) put it down to stress after I revealed I had GAD. When I finally managed to see my doctor (I went to his clinic, and got a substitute instead, who refused me the ECG), he understood my concerns and systematically gave me medication after going through some questions. The main point is that medication to relieve bloating and encourage erm, shitting, made me have a near panic attack that afternoon. I called up the hospital’s pharmacist to check if these would have caused it, because I don’t think that my doctor would have given medication that have reacted that way. She was rather surprised and said that it shouldn’t have happened. It was only yesterday that I got curious at another medication (to help me fart) that I realised that certain antacids (actually, certain components inside) can cause mood changes. It was probably amplified in me due to GAD.
Friends would also know that I use TV as a distraction (distraction is a technique encouraged by therapists, esp at the beginning stages) and sleep in front of it as a result. I have grown significantly better, and hence will track mini-victories. I do not wish to forget how lonely I have felt in the beginning, not because I felt no one understood, but because no one actually understood. You never actually think you’ll get better, it becomes hard to foresee any future, at least for me.
I did not switch on the telly at all today. I was listening to music, and my
colleague had put my playmode on my zen micro (which was another mini-victory in itself) in “Play All Music”, and Praise and Worship came on. I became happy, even joyful, although whether this turn is just due to hormonal swing again is yet to be seen.
Today I deleted his phone number for good, and am glad I did so! Step by step, to a normal life again.