I’m listening to Supanova’s Christmas gift to me now. I opened it only yesterday.
Lady Sings the Blues, although it’s not exactly the same cover.
过分美丽 and I were talking about love and how we’ve evolved. We were talking about the ones that we had wanted and almost married, and how our lives were and are. I asked her one question, if that she could go back and change a single thing with any of the men that she had, knowing the future, what would she change?
She said, “Nothing.”
She teaches me much about love, about how to not put yourself in the first place.
We were at our new regular pub with TheGreenGirl, and somehow this issue of love and life had popped up also. We all agreed, at different timings, that 人类的心是个无底洞. We were musing about who we have grabbed to fill that void, and concluded that it wouldn’t work unless we really like it. Maybe the 无底洞 is meant to distract us from finding the right one – we really must work at it.
I haven’t dated in 3 years, not intentionally. There have been guys I really liked, but they always seemed to like me, just not enough. Sometimes I’ve been served with the “I really like you but I don’t want to go into a relationship now”, and it had been more than once. Sucks right? But the good thing is that most of these guys I didn’t like them to the extent that I am willing to lay my life down – even that less than a friend.
We were talking about balancing the odds: how much are we willing to take or how much should we like the guy before it’s not just about filling the 无底洞? I am not willing to take just any guy, it wouldn’t be fair to the both of us, but where’s the “boundary”? Should there be a boundary? Are we already immune to that stage that we cannot tell? I can be fond of many guys at a time, but not like a single one. Tiring, doesn’t it sound? But if I don’t like anyone, I don’t have to waste emotional energy on him.
I do want to someone to love and hold, to have someone kiss me good morning, to have someone call me, “Baby, what time is dinner?” and to have someone spend time with me and my family.
However, like I said, I am not willing to anyheow grab someone. I will want to persist that friendship is always number one for me – God knows I need more of those.
Then the other topic is about married men. But that’s a topic for some other time, some other post.
But the best thing that came of the night is that 过分美丽 did have a good time (at least for a while), we all did. We managed to catch up with TheGreenGirl, and boy, is that rare. But since I’m unemployed (and very broke), I’m more free to be able to match her schedule. I really miss those days that we were invincible and all that could hurt us was love, those days that we would go home pissed drunk and wake up the next day with a freaking head/back/neck/tummy ache and still will smile at the night before. But those were the days, and a lot of mistakes (and sins) were committed. I would like the fun, minus the wrongs. Could I get my cake and eat it too?
I had a lot of fun minus the puke. I didn’t drink much. We laughed a lot. We took ridiculous photos. TheGreenGirl made me feel like I was one of her closest friends (we don’t remain in contact much, though we do love each other) and asked if she could come to church with me this Sunday (just right that it’s this Sunday I planned to start attending services again). 过分美丽 got her pool groove back. She used to be very good at it, but ironically didn’t enjoy it that much. Now, she’s writing her name on the board all the time, and winning half the time. While it’s obvious that some guys let her win intentionally (BOOYAH!), some guys really couldn’t help it but lose. When I start getting paid, boy, am I going to start whacking balls with a stick into holes on a table.
You know, girls, being with the both of you…. You make me feel like a natural woman.