Repentance

Am I the one being petty? Supanova met up with one of them, one of whom I discovered with shock was double-faced. In fact, a few of them were double-faced and I discovered that with a shock. Ain’t friends supposed to be able loving each other? So am I the petty one today? Am I the one holding on? Supanova told me that he’ll be meeting him and I starting bitching – no doubt, I admit, it’s one of my points of (many) weaknesses. But Supanova told me later on what they talked about, and to be fair, he does have many relevant points. But if you didn’t tell me that you didn’t like it or were angry, how can you expect me to know? Vice-versa. SKOM tells me by silence. At least I know his operating system. Kyoko tells me straight: that wasn’t nice. At least I can apologise, repent and never do that again.

People hurt each other all the time, unintentionally. But you hurt me intentionally. If you knife me, will I not bleed? If you hit me, will I not hurt? If you tell me my only fault is lack of tact but tell my boss something else, will I not weep? At least you acknowledged that I wasn’t the one who pulled away, you guys were the one who went for lunch without asking me… I still remember the ackward silence when someone (new) asked, “why is she not coming with us?”

You of all people should have known when boss scolded me, you were in the room, you were the first one I would turn to. You knew who I longed for, who I liked, who I was waiting for. You of all people, whom I turned to in sadness, emailed boss our conversation.

But I move on. After what Supanova told me, my mind had a quiet resolve. I know that this should be the end. I’ve been saying this forever, but this time was the first and I hope the last that I know what they have been thinking. Although the fact that he told me and my boss (he’s not even in my team) something different, although inside it felt like shit, but God has been telling me for a long long time to let go and let Him. Just to let Him… I’ve been so caught up in my hate and self-hate about it that I just let the whole issue get sweeped under the rug: almost proudly.

So I say… Lord… really. Really really really… time for me to be a good girl. Time for me to listen, to pray, to repent, to forgive them, to forgive myself. It’s not for them but for me. Let’s not talk about whose fault it was, mine or theirs.

“I made a mistake, let me make that up.”
“Why didn’t you just be honest?”
“How could that be easy? You’re so perfect.”

But God says, “Child, give it to me.”

And I will, at least, try.

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