I have not have had a post out for quite a while. The truth is, I have had a few drafts but I never had the strength to finish it. I started thinking a few days back, on why I felt that I had to blog about that certain incident? Many things have had happened since my last post and I felt obliged to blog about them all.
But I will not.
Last Sunday during service, something very clear came across to me while the Praise and Worship was going on. I was distracted, as usual, by my thoughts and my surroundings… But I know a message was given to a couple of sisters and Ps Lawrence as well and they relayed it to the congregation. I cannot remember the message now. But what I remember is suddenly, a grief came upon me. I started to tear and wept. Inside, I was asking Him, why? What am I crying for? For what happened to me in MS? For what pain it caused in me? For my own myopia? For my selfishness? For the realisations of my cowardice when I was in Kapas? For the sad point that my best friends did not try to meet up with me for my birthday? For the lasting low-ness amongst the mood swings I have felt? For the fact that I have been placed on tranquilizers last month? For the pain I feel when I realise that the closeness between us as friends have been lost forever? For the fact that the people that I wanted to know that they cared do not at all?
I don’t know. But in my mind (I’m sure it’s my own understanding) a word came forth. “Closure.” I need to realise that. I need to see inside that all of it is… gone? Is that the right words? I know, inside, what closure means. It means I have to let go, totally.
But how easy is that?
Too many incidents coupled with my oversensitive spirit have burned it into me. I cannot change my oversensitivity, but I have been trying to not react when I get suspicious. That has not been easy, eating up my insides. [I deleted a nice huge essential chunk of my post by accidentally deleting everything - how that happened I have no idea but thank God for their "recover post" feature that saved up to here. I will try to recall my flow of words but obviously they are not as good as the original. Bear with me (I know you have, all these while, all the 3 of you)] I have learnt to be bochap when I can foresee it is going to hurt.
That isn’t right, you say. I know, because that is what I have resisted all these while: being bochap and indifferent.
But I rejoice when I am happy, and I grieve when I am sad. I am bochap when I can foresee me being overwhelmed, hurting inside with no proper outlet and with no good consequence.
But I seek closure.
I just read one of my other posts and then I knew. At the moment of writing that post I was battling a sin, an addiction that I am still battling now. And I know that I cannot win this, not on my own. I have identified a pattern though and it’s good. I realise when my life starts falling apart (pretty often), it’s when I have drifted away from Him. When I was in Kapas, on the 2nd day I decided not to join them out of fear when they canoed to the marine park and snorkeled there. I canoed in the waters in front of the beach that housed my accommodation and while I was just resting on the canoe [This is about where I stopped the last time round, before I so intelligently deleted my post. If it is still lousy from here I have no excuse. ] I was just admiring the scenery around me. After a few minutes I realised I drifted further from shore. On the first day, when the whole group of us canoed, there was a moment where the other 2 canoes were far from me and the shore (I, being the scary cat I was, stuck near to the shore) and I realised that they were drifting when they rafted. I was screaming all the while, “No, we turn back now, it’s very far already, and stay close to shore!” Party pooper. *laughs* After CG last Thursday I realised that the drifting when I was alone was a good metaphor that He tried to show me but I probably took too long to realise. When I paddle while I was in the canoe, I of course am on the move and hence do not drift… but when I do nothing I drift. Isn’t it a perfect example? When we do nothing with and for God, when we do not take the effort to ‘paddle’, we drift. And I have been drifting. It’s a good time to start using that paddle of mine and stroking nearer to Him. I enjoy the “heave-ho” of canoeing and the watery wind in my face. I remember a long time ago, I was thinking.. wow my life is in order for once.. and that was when I made the effort to pray every night. I love prayer and I thank God for intercession and I know He wants me to continue doing so.
I will put my life “in order” by “paddling”.
You see, when my addiction was at a all-time low, it was when I was immersed in Him. Now, when I realise that the ‘friends’ around me are.. I don’t know. I know I am glad for people like June, Kim, Jarain, etc but I have had “close” friends who don’t wanna meet up when they are attached, and that grieves me because I try, I ask, but they rather stay home. They don’t msn me when I am online and they do not reply to mine… why should friendships stop when we get attached? That does not make sense. Why do I only know of your new job when you call others then me to ask if I want to join in? Then there are those who… Jarain, Fanghui, KOM, Westin, you guys know. I don’t want to talk about it but I want to say this: to this day, all of you, I will hold close to my heart. I will not tell you how important you are to me, but I never abandon my friends knowingly and to me, friends take the good with bad. If I have offended you I am sorry, but beyond that I am not apologetic for my character that I am trying to improve for God but progress needs time. But if you guys cannot accept me, I cannot help it and I will not grieve because I have grieved enough. I am glad for friends who have stood by me all this time and supported me and prayed for me, because you guys seriously have no idea how this whole thing trumatised it. I do not think that anyone will read this, which is fine by me because I needed to let it out. There, it’s out. I remember VC asking me why I decided to stay. Such disharmony (he cannot stand disharmony), he would have left. Then I told him that I realised what was important. When the support of Shernice and Co came about without my asking for it, I realised that I did not have to focus on what was unimportant but just remember what was close to my heart. I know I am sweeping with a very wide broom here but please understand that I cannot bear to name specifics – the situations or the people.
My senario now is similar. The only way I can quieten this moody heart of mine is to give it to God. The only way that I can grow, is to be with the Lord.
And this obvious situation brings joy to me. It is harder to realise than it seems to be, but I remember someone told me, “if you want to do something and you find yourself struggling, you need to WANT to do it. Example, quitting smoking: if you have trouble quitting, you got to want to want to quit smoking.” It makes sense to me. I want to want to grow. Growing brings about a quiet joy in me and a loud rejoice in my heart.
All in all, I’ll sing, because, no matter what, the world cannot take away your love.