I have had a lot of thinking done recently.. Not that intentionally, but it was just that circumstances made it so. Perhaps God is trying to tell me something. The changing of a new CG, and a whole new district even.. the feeling is so uncertain. Yet I do not deny that it is enjoyable.
The old feelings of being left old are surely not applicable here since I’m new. There are no ‘special’ people in the church: everyone is special. Is this a sense of equality?
I have been thinking about what Linda and David said to me. Do I really choose friends? Surely, now, since Kim and Chaichoo and a few other sisters are being friendly to me, I will not turn away?
There has always been something special in having lotsa males friends, and I admit I enjoy the uniqueness of it all. Of course, I have Vicky and Serene, and they are my bosom girl friends, though there are things that I have not tried to talk to them about. But I understand the argument that Linda and David tried to put forward to me, the concern that they had.
After all, we are ‘grown up’ already. My male friends have had different friends, and some of them are enjoying special relationships with their girlfriends. These BGR ain’t the kind we had in school though, these are serious stuff. Talk of marriage, career.. Some of us don’t have much time with each other anymore.
Then there are those who say that I’ve changed.. Perhaps I’ve never noticed that they were this way. JS, a rather close buddy of mine in secondary school, always ‘denied’ me the way of a girl. I didn’t mind then, since it meant that I had the privilege of knowing them in a way the other girls couldn’t. But recently managed to get into contact again.. and perhaps it’s just me, but he started asking things like whether I wear skirts or makeup now, or if I got a bf and stuff.. It’s just not like him. Of course, I’m probably overreacted but it’s giving me such a weird feeling. But I’ve always been able to enjoy my friendships with guys, especially some of the older ones, like Ray, like Viktor, like VC. Perhaps it’s due to these.. and the fact that I was never popular with the girls in my school.. in Swiss or in PJC. Of course, I was never popular with anyone. *laugh* but God is fair, ya. But what I mean is that it’s probably due to experience that I perhaps subconsciously look for guys to have meaningful friendships with? I don’t know. I’ve never consciously chose my friends.. No one was ‘too bad’ for me to be friends with. Perhaps after a while I might get irritated with some, but trust me, I’ve learnt to swallow and concentrate on the enjoyable stuff (since many people must have got pissed off by me before). Some of them thought I was too horrible to be a friend. This is spoken truth by my secondary school friends. They have had 4 years with me. In the first year, I seemed to be friends with everyone. I had lotsa Christmas cards.. But I was lonely. In the 2nd year, the cards reduced a little, and I was a lot lonelier. In the 3rd year, I had nearly no cards, but I was less lonely, because I had a small group of friends that I clung on.. especially Serene. In the 4th year, perhaps due to the fact we were all leaving, I had the most cards ever. I wasn’t as lonely, and I had more meaningful friends. Most of the cards wrote (rather kindly) that they didn’t like me in the past, but they realised that I’m quite ok.
Who would give me such a chance? What you see is what you get. JC is 2 years, and I did a wonderful of screwing it up.
I’m not a pessimist, really, I’m a realistic optimist. I like to see things as what they are, but you can note the despair in any of my ramblings are past tense, not future tense. But some beg to defer.
What is it with me and momentum? Once I lose it, I can’t continue. Just like when I went jogging that day.
I had a really good time yesterday. Actually when I was chatting and somehow I just started talking about my brother and sister and I was actually on the verge of tears. There are some things that I could never have told other people, either because the people at my church would be unduly concerned and my other friends, well, it’s just weird to start talking about that. But somehow yesterday it just came out. It felt good that I could share. I actually really enjoyed the conversation (of course I spoke more haha) and the exchange of experiences.
Perhaps it’s because I have a lack of, that’s why I cherish the friends that I can truly click with.
I feel that I’m draggy already. Before I started this post, I was reluctant to write. Now I’m reluctant to end it. I have a million thoughts in my head that I wanna share. Some of which I cannot share because of the ‘audience’, and then I wonder what’s the meaning for a blog anyways. Then there are those that I do not want to bore the reader about. Sometimes I don’t know what’s going on in my brain. I am making a conscious effort not write down everything that comes into my mind in relation to whatever I’m writing in the first place.. (a little like my AP UK lecturer ha) I feel really frustrated now.. Too bloody hot.
This song by Jars of Clay, [Unforgetful You] was one of the first contemporary christian music I heard.. and I really related to it.
It still holds a special place in my heart.
I never minded calling you a king
If that meant that I could count on you
To give me everything
I never thought to ask you
I always thought you knew
It was never my intention to question you
You never minded calling me a child
Well, I guess that’s how I acted all the while
But you live through every tantrum, you see through every lie
Though they seem to be more common
I just wanted you to know why oh why
Unforgetful you, unforgetful
Unforgetful you, so unforgetful
You never minded giving us the stars
Then showing us how blind and unaware of you we are
You painted me a picture and showed me how to see
Though I just won’t behold it
Unless it pertains to me…
Everyday I remember.. that it’s..
Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.
- Who am I? by Casting Crowns