Jie is leaving for Shanghai as I write.. can’t believe pa and ma didn’t call me.. Now I’m alone at home while the whole family is at the airport.
Some things never change. Once a mis-fit, forever a mis-fit.
Perhaps everyone is a mis-fit, or all mis-fits fit in.. But I know I’m not. I feel lonely everywhere. I can’t keep up the jokes in my family, I struggle to keep my temper at times with the boys, I find it really boring with my Bro/Sis-in-Christ at times.. of course, in all situations there have been good and touching moments.
But a mis-fit is still a mis-fit.
The words I say are heard by half in my family.. an improvement to not hearing it. I’m starting to be inclined to be silent again.. to just mind my business. Like what happened in Bistro.. The urge to just fade.. to just keep inside my shell and ignore everything. Keep my urge to argue and fight for my rights and such inside. Just swallow, shut up and ignore…
Feel my fuse short recently. Don’t know if I can finish that report for Viktor, or the IP books, or the gatekeeping manual I’ve been putting off. At first I realised why I’ve been so moody, PMS.. saw blood just now. Been trying my best to tolerate, but the edge of irritation kept on rubbing the side of my cheek. Normally I’ll calm down at this time, reflect. I am acutely aware of the hormonal moods I can be in, but this time.. Nearly snapped at Jarain just now. I don’t know what for. I don’t know what’s up.
Think and feel I am pissing everyone off. Think some people who are irritated with me are just tahaning now… perhaps I will allow myself the luxury of the withdrawing into myself. Will try my best to shut up, sit down and work.. That’s be a good rest. After all, that’s what everyone wants from me anyways.
Think I’m going to sleep. Yes I know I haven’t finished Viktor’s report. I may just take MC for the afternoon tomorrow. Ignore ignore.. can I be the inconsiderate and selfish one for a go?
Thursday night class, friday night prayer night…
I am so tired.. who can understand this weary heart besides God?
I live on his grace and mercy and love and compassion..
Will write about the accident and my suayness before/during/after CNY… about my feelings in Ipoh.. etc etc etc.. All the good stuff.. haha.